2025-1-7 00:22 hate going to bed early so much dude, especially on school nights because it feels like i did fucking nothing the whole time damn day and im wasting all the fun hours where im alone and dont have to worry about anything.
2025-1-6 10:41 fucking hate this bitch ass school, first day and my fucking dumb bitch english teacher already gave me an assignment
2025-1-6 03:44 another reason on why i like to cut myself is because its something i can actually do. like with other things i can barely pay attention or force myself to do, but this is something i actually am able to do without putting much thought into it!! wish everything else was like this though...
2025-1-6 03:40 first day of school today after winter break... never have i dreaded something more than this right now.
2024-12-30 02:49 nevermind guys i am a-okay now!!! lol dunno what that was about earlier!!!
2024-12-30 02:43 if i see someone i don't like even if it's for no reason at all i imagine a scenario where i beat the shit out of them until they die. or like cut them up into pieces and torture them. it's quite calming. most of the time they've done litteraly nothing to me. or like if their presence pissed me off i'd do that.
2024-12-30 02:37 no i dont want to be borderline anorexic no i dont want to cut myself i want to be cool, i want to do the things everyone else is doing. i want to be able to go to school smiling and be able to fucking pay attention and be able to do my fucking work. i want to be happy and healthy i just dont know how to do it i get better and then i get worse and then i get better and then i invalidate everything i everfelt because i dont stay fucking static. why do i change so fucking much. why cant i either just stay sad and either fucking kill myself or just get help. why can't i just stay happy and enjoy my fucking life litteraly nothing happened why am i like this. no trauma happened to me i didn't get beat or fucking abused im just fucking mentally ill for the fun of it. something is fucked up with me i just dont know what. i've been telling myself that since i was eight. why the fuck can't i just be normal. and good looking. and smart. why do i have to be so awkward and anxious all the time. why can't i wake and brush my teeth. why can't i just do the shit i need to do? fuck i would rather kill myself sometimes than be productive sometimes. i'm so paranoid. i need to get help but i fucking hate being so needy and having to ask someone for it. i'm just gonna fucking wake up tommorow and feel not sad and then i'd be sad because im not sad??? but its not like SAD sad so i don't even fucking know.
2024-12-27 02:38 uhhh why do videogames have to be so much fun... kinda wish i was born in like an era without electronics because then maybe i would actually do stuff. actually i would probably read books or smth instead... so many things i want to do but alas my vieogames are more fun /:
2024-12-26 04:00 when i was in like elementary school, we had to do a project where we all chose a subject to present on and i chose rabies because i thought it was really cool at the time, then when it came time to present, i cried very hard because I thought i would get judged but tbh i was like cool with most people there so they probably weren't gonna judge me and i also thought i was unprepared so i was like "okay im gonna fuck up fuck fuck fuck fuck what do i do" and then cried and embarrassed myself more than if i just did it wrong, i dont even remember the presentation. anyways that's where i think all my problems began. i think about it sometimes.
2024-12-20 23:46 crazy trauma dump for someone who JUST opened up a blog :sob:
2024-12-20 23:45 this isn't like a new thing i've been thinking about mental illnesses as soon as i learn what they were. but at like early early october to late november i had a really bad depressive episode, every waking moment all i could've thought about was killing myself. i almost did at one point, but i was alone so no one found out. i was gonna stab my jugular with a pocket knife. i thought maybe i have bpd or smth but i don't have any trauma, i'm just fucked up for the sake of it. i was also thinking i have like add or smth. i suck ass at paying attention and always had, i just got super fucking lucky that my teachers gave me a mark justtt good enough to not warrant suspicion, like c+ or smth. no one even says that "i don't pay attention" because all i do is space out and enjoy the little scenarios in my head while looking at my work or at the board/teacher. last year was especially fucked though, i handed TWO assignments for a class and got a B. like i'll take it but still? i also don't wanna tell people about this because i dont wanna be a "omg adhd ahahaha how quirky!!" person. the only way i can explain how i feel about school and homework and shit is like, everyone has the same portion on their plates,but im fucking full without even taking a bite, and i look to the right and left of me and i see they're fucking eating it up. (food is work, eating is you getting it done.) but i don't think i have adhd us because everyone i know with adhd is super fucking annoying and violent. and its a VERY specific type of annoying. like if you put me in a room with 99 annoying people and someone with adhd i could tell you which one it is within like 20 minutes. also thought maybe autism but i would fucking hate to have autism so i just don't think about, also i dont think i have sensory issues? so that also rules out autism. all i know is that im fucked up but i dont know in what way. anyways time to finnish up watching serial experiments lain!! i very muched liked the first couple episodes, and its kinda simmilar to nge which i love!!!
2024-12-20 23:27 am i mentally ill?
2024-12-20 23:25 i really need to clean up my room, i often forget to do stuf alot. like last week i hid a bunch of like cookies in my cupboard, or maybe it was further than last week. i also have my favourite fork in there, aswell as 2 year old panago pizza boxes (it was a small cheesey mushrooms steak melt.) and drinks, as well as a 2 week old cinnabun thing i bought, that's what the fork was for.anyways im eating these week+ old crackers right now and they smell like trident gum, because i have a thing of empty gum there as well as bloody tissue papers because well uh you know.